Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dirty Little Secret

We all have our dirty little secrets. The funny, the uniquely human aspect of these small vices is that they’re generally not near as secret as we think and, as a rule, there are about ten thousand others privately behaving the same way.
Me? I eat when I’m bored. Or fighting with my husband, or mother, or dog. I graze because I’m sad. I indulge to celebrate a victory. Or to drown my sorrows over a defeat. I nibble when I read, mindlessly munch while watching TV.
You get the picture.
Now.  Since I weigh forty pounds more than I should, there is no way on God’s green earth this behavior is a secret to anyone and yet part of my enjoyment in this activity is the guilty pleasure in pretending no one suspects that the majority of my kick-around-the-house clothes are stained with dribbles of chocolate, and that all my pants are two sizes bigger than they were ten years ago,
Seriously, who do I think I’m kidding?
I’ve tried any number of diet plans. The problem is they stress me out and we all know what I do when I’m stressed. Or, I lose a pound or two and, in celebration…well, you see where this goes. So I’ve come up with a new plan.  I can’t believe I haven’t thought of it before.
I’m training a service animal to help me with my eating disability.
When I overeat, snack endlessly, frantically tear apart the cupboard looking for those last two Ritz crackers and the jar of peanut butter – the dog will bite me in the ass.
Hey. This might be my last hope.


  1. Puleez. Like you need to worry. I do the same thing, though, in front of the boob tube (and yep, Ritz crackers and PB), but rarely ever when I'm reading. I should read more.

  2. Pam, there is no way you weight 40 lbs more than you should. I recommend you purchase a new scale,or change the battery in the one you have now.

    I figured out a long time ago that women worry too much about their appearance, and men don't worry enough.